I am a 22 Year old mother, what’s next? - Sydney Clayborn

Meet Sydney - you can find her on all social handles @momthemilkmaid & on her facebook page by linking the link: https://www.facebook.com/momthemilkmaid

Dear Diary,

I Am A 22 Year Old Mother. What’s Next?

I am 22 years old and I just had a baby boy in December.

I recently graduated last May from college but life seems to be moving slower than I originally planned.

What’s next?

That was the golden (annoying) question from every family member. It was so golden (annoying), it plagued my entire mind during my pregnancy and a little after.

As a result, I enrolled into a masters program, but life still seems to be too slow and I still didn’t feel like I adequately answered that question.

The questions I did face on top of it were these -- Am I giving myself time to adjust to this role in motherhood? Do I even deserve time to adjust?

Afterall, what did I actually expect…

Having a baby puts your life into full go mode. The world doesn’t stop because you’re a mother. These are the questions I asked myself daily and the feelings I’ve had. It took me a while to bond with my baby after he was born due to a lot of shameful feelings I had just for being pregnant fresh out of college.

I felt like I didn’t deserve to be happy because I didn’t have things all together. Happiness about being pregnant was an unknown feeling. Besides, they say motherhood is a gift and children are God’s gift to you…

After seeing my baby’s beautiful face, this is absolutely true. I should’ve appreciated being pregnant more. I shouldn’t have let the opinions of others shame me into thinking I didn’t deserve to be happy about being a mom.

Now I stare at my baby everyday and thank God for him because he’s healthy, growing, and I couldn’t have asked for anyone better. Regardless, those negative feelings are in the past and now here I am, wondering what is next for me and my new baby.

Being a young mom is already hard, but society says I am supposed to have a leg up because I finished my degree in four years.

I think that’s the wrong way to look at it. Society says I did it halfway right but in reality I don’t even feel close to doing it “right”.

Besides, what IS right? For me, “right” would have been having a baby after I’ve established my career or business, with good credit, and a savings account. None of these things are here now though.

So what exactly am I supposed to do? I know I am not the only mom who feels this way. But one thing I am learning is to live in the moment.

My child doesn’t know that I don’t have an established career or that my credit isn’t where I want it to be. All he knows is that I am his mom and I feed him very well and hold him probably a little too much if you ask his grandma. He knows that when he cries, I’ll be there to pick him up and comfort him. When he’s dirty, he knows that I’ll happily bathe him or change his diaper.

I can’t focus on what I “wish” would’ve happened or what I thought was the “right” time for a baby. Apparently, the right time for a baby is NOW and I have to adjust accordingly…

To answer the question of “What’s next?”, next is setting goals to provide a better life for me and my son, next is completing my masters degree and searching for internships while in school to have a leg up upon completing my program, next is looking forward to his month to month milestones because my baby will never be this little again and I shouldn’t waste any time on beating myself up because I didn’t have it all together before he came.

Next is moving forward and growing up right along with my own child as tough and sudden as it can be. It’s celebrating everything he and I do together, it’s loving a little more, and growing in patience.

Here’s to being the golden age of 22 and all the “nexts” in my life!