What my first year of marriage taught me - Takeia Washington

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” – Mignon McLaughlin

Married life has been beautiful and it has also been ugly at times.

There have been so many amazing things I’ve learned throughout this journey and there have been something’s I had to also unlearn.

This past year being married has allowed me to fully learn my husband in all aspects. I truly believe that as time moves forward, we all begin to evolve and I think it’s important that we’re being intentional with learning more about your spouse on a more deeper and intimate level.

My husband is really reserved + quite and I’m more outgoing and outspoken. I tend to be more of the communicator and he’s more of the “that’s not an issue for me” type of person, which can be a blessing and a curse.

& for me I had such a huge issue with that, especially earlier in our marriage. I felt as though whenever I came to him about an issue I didn’t like or was uncertain about he would brush it off like it wasn’t a big deal and to me I felt like he was invalidating my feelings.

I understand + acknowledge when things are changing and I’m ready to embrace change in whatever form it comes, regardless. I also know when there are some gray areas that we could definitely work on, which I am very vocal on.

A few months into us being married, I had to sit down with my husband and let him know this wasn’t working for me. Not that the marriage wasn’t working but the way we’ve been communicating with one another wasn’t working and that we needed to find ways to actually be more intentional with communicating our wants + needs and allowing space for continuous growth in our marriage.

I had to break it down in a way that he understood where I was coming from without him feeling like I was attacking and blaming everything completely on him.

I was able to let my husband know that I valued his time and that we needed to be able to check in with one another for at least 30 minutes everyday to make sure that we’re both good on all levels(mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually).

Gratefully he understood where I was coming from and he also shared his point of view and things he needed me to know as well and I listened without interrupting or invalidating his feelings.

When you’re in a relationship/marriage you know each other so well, but you also know how to push each other buttons. Which can lead to the other person feeling defensive and one thing we’ve been learning during this journey is that being defensive doesn’t really help.

I personally know I could get defensive at times and feel like he’s coming at me when he genuinely isn’t and that can make you feel like they can’t tell you about YOU, but we need that, because we’re not always right and that’s okay!

That day we were able to pinpoint what’s going right + what’s going wrong and what is it that we both needed to do in order to fix these fixable issues.

We had to realize and understand that we’re not opponents and that we’re both on the same team and in order to do that we have to show up and DO THE WORK.

We can’t have one foot in the door and the other foot out, we have to be dedicated and committed to this and I’m just so grateful that I have someone who is willing to do the work and be physically + mentally show up while doing so.

This has helped our marriage in so many ways because we are both to effectively communicate and let one another know something without the conversation going completely left.

We genuinely love each other and shit happens when you tend to forget your “why”.

I also believe we spent so much time being parents, that we neglected that quality time with one another. We had to make date nights strictly about us, putting the phones away(me, especially) and simply enjoying one another’s company without getting distracted by things that don’t matter at that time besides us TWO.

With us just having a baby, older children and COVID-19 it’s been quite hard to make time for one another that we haven’t really been able to really have that uninterrupted time alone. But we have to also remember that we have to take care and love on one another, even if it’s only for 30 minutes while the kids are down for a nap, after work to check in, or etc.

Anywhooo...

Here a few things that has helped us and may be able to help you as well through your first year(s) of marriage.

Disclaimer: I’m no relationship expert, just sharing my truth and what’s working for us.

1. Be kind to one another - this is so important that you’re showing love and kindness to your spouse. Being respectful + kind to one another has been helping us get through the really difficult times we have together or individually.

2. Having expectations without clear communication can lead to unnecessary conflict - communicate your wants + needs to your spouse, sometimes they don’t know what it is you want + need because they’re not mind readers.

3. There’s no such thing as a perfect marriage or relationship - even great marriages go through things, it’s life. You’re going to have beautiful days and then there are days where you’re going to not like one another and that’s okay.

4. Apologize when you’re wrong - I was watching Tabitha Brown live a few weeks ago and her husband said “do you want to be right or happy”. I just felt like that hit home because sometimes we want to be right and we’ll go as far as making the other person feel like complete shit in order to be right and end up just not being happy because we’re too focused on always being right.

5. Explore with one another - whew, now we all know we’re not the same person we once was when we started our relationship and that’s why I think it’s important that we continue to explore with one another. Ask those deep + scary and intimate questions, get adventurous and try new things with one another.
   

What are somethings you’ve learned during your first year of marriage/relationship? Are you more of a communicator or do you brush things off?

Best,

Takeia Washington