“There’s no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.” – Jill Churchill
A few weeks ago, I met with a really great friend of mine for lunch and we talked about motherhood and I told her how I sometimes feel bad for wanting to take a much needed break away from my kids.
When I first became a mother, mom guilt was always in my face. I was a teen mother, staying with my mother and my mother wasn't having that "I'm babysitting" shit. I was stuck in my room most of the day, trying to figure out motherhood, alone. I ended up packing us up some clothes, and staying by her father's house for the emotional and physical support.
At only three weeks old - I took her in for an appointment to see her pediatrician because she was unsoothable, wouldn't stop crying(literally, all day and night) and was having a hard time sleeping.
My now husband, mother is a nurse and she figured that the baby might have colic because of her symptoms(uncontrollably crying, sleepless, green poop and just not being able to be consoled).
Once we took her in, we told the doctor what was going on and how long this has been going on for and she diagnosed her with colic.
Colic: "Severe, often fluctuating pain in the abdomen caused by intestinal gas or obstruction in the intestines and suffered especially by babie".
After her diagnosis, I felt a little bit better and the doctor educated us on what colic was and some suggestions on how to console her.
The doctor suggested that we swaddle her, give her gripe water, be patient and ask for help if we need it.
With all of the crying and sleepless nights, I felt emotionally + physically drained.
At one point, I couldn't believe I didn't know how to comfort my baby, I felt like complete shit.
I would get so frustrated at myself because I felt as though I was failing my child and that she deserves someone that was perfect and that knew what they were doing.
Even though I loved my child to death, I felt as though I was emotionally detached from my child and knew something wasn't quite right about...
I went to my six week postpartum check up, spoke to my doctor about all of my concerns regarding motherhood and then asked her was I crazy because I didn't feel attached to my baby?
My doctor said "no" and that it was actually normal to experience this when there's new change in your life and that sometimes it takes a while to adjust to something new, especially being a first time mother.
After leaving my appointment, I still felt bad and called my now husband and cried to him about how I felt and that our baby deserved better and that this was the hardest thing I had to experience in my entire life. He comforted me, told me that I was a great mother and that our child was blessed to have me.
Even after him saying all of that, I still felt guilty.
At this time, I also was diagnosed with postpartum depression and my doctor suggested that I go to a post-partum counselor that helps support new mothers like me.
I ended up not going(knowing I should have) and realizing all of the support and resources I would've received from the counselor and mothers like me.
Tips on how to avoid mom guilt:
1. Speak kind to yourself - this is self-explanatory.
2. Make time for self-care - I cannot stress how imperative it is that you're taking care of yourself(mentally, emotionally and physically). When you're your best self, you're able to be present and provide the best version of yourself to your child and yourself etc.
3. Understand that there's no such thing as being a perfect parent. Give yourself more credit and know that you're doing the very best that you can with what you got and what you know(always look to learn more, always).
4. Speak to someone - this can be your partner, a trusted friend, family member, therapist or a mama group online. If you need to vent or need advice, let people know what it is you need from them(whether it's a listening ear, advice or both). People can't read minds and we can't expect them to know what's going on if we aren't communicating these things.
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